Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
