I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
