I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
