Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
