Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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