I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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