I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
