I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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