i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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