Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
