My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
