I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
