Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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