I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
