Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
