feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
