Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize