i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
