i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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