how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
