if i can run in heels then i can drive
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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