My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
