she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My pussy is not your playground.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
