Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
