Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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