You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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