he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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