My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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