she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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