i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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