when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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