What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
