Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
