Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize