She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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