The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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