he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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