So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
