Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
