Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
