I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
