How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also, beer. Big fan.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
