lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
