took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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