I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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