the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
