Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
