just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it's like iHOP with fire
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
