why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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