I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
