I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize