Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
