She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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