i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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