What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
