You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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