I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
