Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
