I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize