The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
