Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
